Overabundance of punctuation, too many pauses, like this title

Question

I have a writing style which relies heavily on pauses, specifically commas and periods. I like to put them everywhere but I am quit sure I overdo it significantly. I was wondering if there are known remedies for this problem?

Here is an extreme sample excerpt from a SciFi text:

He watched the fire. It danced around the fresh wood, sparks swarming out in perceived random. Quickly consumed, a crackle of heat, a flash, a wave reached his skin. He watched the Vivicaust shed colors of warmth, a radiant beauty. Dying. He freshened the lifespan, scintillations abound.

He stared at the embers. Dead. A ruminating mind wandered with them, lost in thoughts of impermanence. He rushed to fan the last glimmer of hope, not yet. It wouldn't die yet.

I am also usually very concise and leave much thinking up to the reader. I am originally a German speaker. Might this be part of the cause? I recognize that it kills flow but I am unsure about my approach to fix it.

Answer 1

The language in your question is very clear and doesn't seem to use the staccato approach found in your example sci-fi piece. Why not write your sci-fi piece with your natural language, that you seem to have used for your question?

I believe that would solve your problem, because you seem to be a clear concise writer -- from your question's example.

If you're looking for more than that then I suggest you read the fantastic book, Make Your Words Work -- amazon link, by the late Gary Provost.

He teaches very clearly about tone and style and it is quite helpful.