Dilating the beat

Question

Consider the following sentences

She did not feel the bullet going through her skull.

vs

She did not feel the 9mm NATO Parabellum lead bullet going through her skull.

vs

She did not feel the nine millimeter NATO Parabellum lead bullet going through her skull.

I have the impression that the last two examples have a beat dilation caused by the added details. The last one in particular seems to slow down even further due to the choice of longer words. On the other hand, when re-reading the last passage I find it almost cartoonish and somehow lacking the pathos of the first sentence.

I would like for the beat to slow down as if the bullet were to take forever to go through the skull, but at the same time I wouldn't want to lose tension in a mound of details.

How can a beat dilation be created and extended without detracting from the main event and without becoming comical?

Answer 1

An effective method to lengthen an important moment is to expand it with specific details.
From 'A Bullet to the Brain' by Tom Wolffe

• The bullet smashed Anders’ skull and plowed through his brain and exited behind his right ear, scattering shards of bone into the cerebral cortex, the corpus callosum, back toward the basal ganglia, and down into the thalamus.

The author slows the critical moment by detailing the precise path the bullet takes through its victim's head. While your expanded sample is using specifics, they are the details that are generally going to be unemotional. For the story, the details of the bullet might be an important clue as to whom the shooter is, but for the victim, it doesn't matter if its a bullet or a brick that plows through the dura mater.

Specific details of the action or consequences of the event engage our imaginations

The author doesn't stop with that one sentence. He takes the readers through the entire path of the bullet. It's a terrific piece of writing that demonstrates a host of techniques that can be used to intensify events that are over in an instant and make them live on in the imagination.

Answer 2

Bullets aren't People

Readers connect with people more than inanimate objects. To avoid a cartoonish feel, concentrate on the person.

"Going Through" is Weak

Use stronger verbs to describe what is happening. You can use the violence of her death to contrast with the "peace" of her ignorance.

Formatting

You can create a sense of a beat with formatting - use a paragraph break.

My Quick Take

The bullet punched a neat hole above her left eye, and erupted from the back of her head in a font of gore, leaving a crater in her skull large enough to hold a clenched fist.

She never felt a thing.