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2

I think the elisions work better than the stuttering. Your "Whada hell you doin'?" is good. It's perfectly comprehensible and it gives the clear impression of someone speaking less than usually clearly (especially if the reader comes to expect from the wider context of your writing that the same character, when sober, would ask "What the hell are you doing?")...


1

Maybe describe the way he looks and behaves rather than making it hard for the reader to decifer what he's saying. If we know the character, make him talk in ways he normally wouldn't. Like the swearing and agressive behavior, is it out of character? He could be spitting while leaning in real close. Maybe he forgot what he just said and repeats himself? Or ...


-2

I am just learning and please be patient with me


-1

How is the word doc used in conversation between a doctor and personal friends? Will they call him Doc... or will they call him doc...?


0

You're sort of tricking the reader, inasmuch as you're subverting their assumption about the character. Whether or not it works lies entirely in the reveal, which could be as simple as merely stating at the end that he is a black man working in a minstrel show, perhaps after saying "the black gave way to brown" (or similar phrasing) as he removed his makeup. ...


0

Putting the race of the Actor doesn't fit in the paragraph that you show us. If you do put the race of the Actor, it would feel rushed and forced. You could put it in a different paragraph or you could just put it at the beginning of your story. (Sorry, that was vague. Sorry, if this isn't helpful.)


2

First, drop a line about actor's dark complexion. This would serve as a hint, but not the actual plot twist yet. Second, drop a "bomb" - a clear and unambiguous reveal of actor's race. I understand the complication here is that you have to write it from a limited 3rd person view. Also (I assume) it should happen in a scene when your character is alone in ...


-2

I'd look up the Eddie Anderson, an African American most famous for portraying Jack Benny's valet Rochester van Jones in the "Jack Benny Program" (radio and tv show) and was one of the highest payed actors in the world (and a fan favorite). There is a famous joke where he was complaining about having to be "the radio" for Benny when the car's radio went out ...


4

It's often clumsy and artificial for a character to make references to their own race in a first-person or limited-third-person narrative, because most people don't often actively think about the color of their own skins, unless some situation forces them to. But you're depicting a situation in which almost anyone would be forced to ponder their own race, so ...


1

Third-person limited narration is telling the story in third person, from one person's point of view. Omniscient narration is telling the story in third person, from a distanced, neutral point of view. Note that with third-person limited, you may still write from multiple character's points of view--but not in the same scene. If you want to tell about ...


0

Family relationship takes precedence. To emphasise that they get along well, mention early on that they are 'close'. That will set the expectation of their relationship in future and 'friendship' need never be specifically mentioned.


4

Two of the MCs in the novel I'm working on are half-sisters, and also great friends. One is an objective fact, the other is an interpretation of their relationship. As an omniscient narrator, you should stick to the former and let the characters and their actions convince the reader of the latter. In general, if you introduce someone as your friend, people ...


0

Depending on where your line is for "too far", different types of horror could be played with. Like maybe you write something that psychologically scary (a mind-screw) and you avoid the gory physical horror. You could also imply the horror, setting up suspense and then giving just enough info to alert the reader of what's happening without describing it in ...


16

For many people "friendship" is subsumed into being "siblings" Different people and different cultures will view this differently, but for most people "sibling" and "friend" are are at odds with each other. This doesn't mean siblings cannot be friends or friendly, but that it is a different type of relationship into which friendship is subsumed. My sister ...


7

The answer you have accepted is incomplete. Take three people: Dan - Captain of a ship. Adele - Communications officer on Dan's ship, and a very good friend of Dan. Bob - Captain of another ship. When Dan and Adele interact, you might want to emphasize their friendship and refer to Adele's friend Dan. When they are on the bridge of the ship working, then ...


58

You’re using unequal terms interchangeably. Imagine Alice is Bob’s sister and also does his taxes. The former is a personal relationship and the latter is professional; for most people those belong in distinct hierarchical levels, with family at the top. While referring to Alice, if you kept switching between calling her Bob’s sister or Bob’s accountant, ...


0

The key to horror is that fear comes from knowing that something is wrong but not knowing what it is or what you can do about it. You don't need to gross out or shock your reader. But you do what them to be nervous that you'll do just that at any moment. The Saw franchise is one of the most overtly grotesque horror franchises out there. But the horror doesn'...


0

The note to the reader should be after the story ends. Like, you know how at the end of a book all the people are being thanked? A note to the reader should be right before or right after this part.


0

To be honest, I think you should make it scary without holding back. At least in my opinion, getting scared at a book isn't easy to do, so try your best to make it as scary as possible.


1

I think showing instead of telling can be good because if let's your reader know that you respect their intelligence to put two and two together, but I think telling can also be good if there is no way to show what you're trying to show.


5

Sorry, I did not get "pompous" out of the description; nor do I know how one "pompously" approaches a desk without looking comical. You have already had your MC express a thought to the reader. Why not let Alfie just think it? He turned and saw Jenna. “Fuck off.” Such a pompous twit. He turned back to his map and sighed. I’m not even high. I fail to ...


-1

The problem is that different people react differently, there will always be people who can stomach anything, while others have nightmares from Goosebumps. When it comes to stuff, made to make you not want to read it, I think Junji Ito is the closest. Since Beastars gets updates only weekly and AoT basically never, I had a window to fill with good stuff. ...


0

I'd say, steer clear of the splatter porn as others here have said. I think the most effective direction you could go in would be to go for a "the fourth wall will not protect you" kind of vibe. Writing things that can genuinely happen - children or loved ones getting kidnapped, overly-aggressive diseases with awful consequences, that kind of thing - can ...


0

user16226 is right about anticipation versus "splatter porn". Let's look at one of the classic masters of horror, H. P. Lovecraft. Let's look at his only full-length novel, The Case of Charles Dexter Ward. In that story, we start with a mystery, what appears to be basically a simple missing persons case but that soon develops some definitely mysterious ...


0

If Maria systematically bakes cakes for him then it does not sound like sarcasm. If she never does or cannot even imagine baking one then it does.


0

One thing that I have found that helps me is, anytime I have dialogue, I say it out loud without any additional words like "he said" and "she said" to see if the dialogue alone feels real. If the dialogue feels real and not silly when I say it out loud, then I can enhance the meaning and experience of the dialogue with things like "she muttered" and "folded ...


3

English sarcasm is primarily conveyed through tone A great deal of vocal communication is done through tone and body language, rather than the words themselves. These features are generally lost in writing. "Bob, I thought I heard some crying in the well." "Right." Now, when Bob said "Right", did he mean "I don't believe you", "correct", or "thank ...


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