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7

You can't drift off into the distance when you leave a room. Unless it's a really big room. You can drift out of a room, but you disappear rather suddenly, when the line of sight through the doorway is broken. Clouds don't disappear suddenly, unless they go behind buildings or mountains. Your English is fine here. The sentences make grammatical sense. ...


-3

How about: Dived into flower butt and got enveloped by the yellow stuff.


5

I'm probably gonna be crucified for this given the relative lack of artsiness, but why not say 'landed amid the Zinnia's anthers and covered herself in pollen'. Anthers being the rods which present the pollen of a plant. Stamen also works, as that's the whole male apparatus of a plant. More here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stamen


7

A few alternatives: She dived into the flower. She dived into the zinnia's flower. She dived into the petals. She dived into the zinnia's center. Or, simply: She dived into the pollen. Add the rolling in pollen parts if needed. I realize you want to differentiate between zinnia the plant and the actual flower. You don't want your ...


9

Putting scientific definition aside, "Flower head" works better since it's a personification. The human reader has no trouble associating the upper part of a body with the upper part of a flower. On the contrary, "a flower's heart" is a little harder to imagine. Without further context, I would struggle to understand what you mean, exspecially since I'm ...


5

These answers are all really good, so I'll just add a couple of things. Imagine your setting as a character. You've already personified it by making it "uncaring" and "hostile". Now, make it behave like an uncaring and hostile creature/character. Your setting can interact with your characters just like they I react with it. "As much as Mary was ...


2

A hard, uncaring world is a matter of perspective. If you're seeing it through the eyes of someone who loves it, it won't look bleak, no matter what the "objective" portrait of it might be. So you want to start with a person who feels isolated, lonely, vulnerable, exposed and alienated, and then describe the landscape through his or her eyes.


4

This really depends on the type of world you have in mind. It isn't quite clear from your question whether you are talking about e.g. alien planets that are hostile to all life (toxic, radiated wastelands), or whether you are talking about a civilization that has become cold and uncaring (cyberpunk-style). Since you want to know about stylistic devices you ...


4

While the other answers are great and focus on tangible assets of the world, I'll try and find an answer that focuses instead on stylistic elements. I would say that a good way to get across apathy and an inorganic, unfeeling world would be to describe things in a cold, technical, repetitive and clinical manner. Eschew any flowery language when describing ...


12

+1 to Ash, and I'd like to add another feature: lack of healthy life. If you really want to show that an environment is hostile, show that nothing pleasant can thrive there. Here are some suggestions for describing a city. Plants: No flowers (not even in window boxes). Any trees they might have planted are either dead or dying. Animals: With the exception ...


4

Uncaring. Harsh. Unforgiving. And a Sci-Fi setting? Well. It depends on what the deal is, but I'll offer some things I'd throw in to really show this world doesn't care for humans. Alien world. The places looking for employees, so think bars, clothing stores, fast-food restaurants. "Humans need not apply." Put up signs outside showing humans aren't welcome ...


11

Some elements that can be clearly seen and described occur to me: Graffiti is common where people feel disenfranchised, it seems to form an outlet for people who feel they don't have a voice. Dirt, filth is omnipresent when people don't care for the environment and people around them. This can be noted in both people's appearance, dirt on their cloths or ...


1

I'll add something I see my favorite authors use. Basically, you can draw a reader into a scene by doing a three-stage description. Or four. The night was gloomy. (General.) So gloomy, in fact, that no light at all could pierce the ground-level window to the dusky basement. (tighter focus. Now we're in a basement.) Instead, the only source of light in the ...


0

I don't think 'she laughed' is filtering, and I can't imagine a situation in which it would be. If you read widely you'll see that tagging with 'she laughed' is occasionally fine. It's when too many book-isms stray into the tags that it's annoying. But, having said that it's not a filter, it's still hard for me to imagine someone speaking in a laugh. I'd ...


3

OP: ... because the descriptions aren't attached to a person's actions. But you write as if the descriptions ARE attached to somebody; somebody not as rapt as the narrator, and this person has an experience and an opinion: "we could only see", "Peculiarly enough", and in general an attitude that something is wrong with the people in the room. On top of ...


1

You want to immerse your reader in the story hence writing "hahaha" does not give a vivid definition of how the character felt whilst laughing.People read stories to get lost in the moment and feel like they are actually there ,so its the job of the writer to make it so. *micheal burst out in fits of laughter clutching onto the chair for support. "That..was....


6

You don't necessarily need for your descriptions to be attached to a person or to an action, but you generally do want them to be attached to a point of view, either the character's or the narrator's. "The people sat staring like zombies" is a more intrinsically interesting statement than "The people sat with their eyes wide open" because it carries a point ...


0

I don't see anything wrong in using hahaha as long as it's surrounded with a quote. I mean, I believe a character's style of laughter can be represented by a quoted word like "hahaha" or even "buhahaha". The key pointer here is to surround it by quotes so that the reader knows what's going on.


9

+1 to Cyn, much my answer; use a tag. I can add, I use a single "Ha!" a handful of times in a book. You can also describe the laugh in more detail; Griselda laughed, and covered her mouth as she did for a few seconds. "Oh my god!" I would increase the visual of that, there must be twenty kinds of laughing. To me this goes for all verbal sound effects; I ...


32

Dialogue quotes are for things a character actually says. If your character says "hahaha" then fine. But I've never heard anyone do that. You might get a single "ha!" but that's an exclamation not a laugh. Or someone might say "ha ha" (or even "ha ha ha") sarcastically. Again, not a laugh. If you want to tell your readers that your character laughed ...


4

I think it sounds awkward too. First, I would start a new paragraph. Second; "He turned his head toward her" is awkward; "He looked at her" is less awkward. "made him cry a bit" sounds strange to me. I think whatever emotion he is feeling needs to be named. "as she stood beside him" detracts from the expression of emotion because it is a neutral ...


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