How do you distort words into sounding sick, as in with the cold? I want it to be a really comical scene, but I'm not sure how to write it. Do I replace some letters with others or remove certain consonants?
Many children's books have scenes where a character talks with an obstructed nose (e.g. head in bucket). Usually what they do is a combination of:
- k, p, t => g, b, d
- n => ng/g
- m, v/f => b
This works well only if you restrict this to a sentence or two. Then it is funny. Otherwise it becomes tiresome to the reader.
Messed-up speech is usually funnier on TV/stage/screen than in writing, because (#1) it's hard to figure out what the person is saying, and (#2) the comic effect depends on the readers' skill at rendering messed-up words (either out loud or in their heads). But, if you want to try it, give yourself the affliction the character has, say his/her lines, and write down phonetically what you say. Literally stuff your nose with something for a stuffy nose. Prop your mouth open with a carrot for a broken jaw. Grab and hold half your face for a paralysis (which better be temporary, or your dialogue will NOT be funny).
So, I would go light on the distorted speech. Probably it would be funnier if the sick character were a bit loopy, either because of the sickness or the meds. Then you can have lots of inanity, non-sequiturs, inappropriate sharing, emoting, melodrama, etc. People who think/insist they're dying when they're obviously merely sick are a staple of comedy.