I am writing an essay for tenth grade, and I have to write a small story in one paragraph. With a lot of imagery (to get my teacher excited). I added some, but I don't think it's enough. This isn't only limited to imagery. I don't know on whether I should expand it or make it succinct, so general improvements are appreciated too. (Hopefully I followed the critique guidelines.)
The text is generally about my caring grandmother. And I am explaining the story where I fell off of a swing and hit my head on the metal bar and had to get stitches.
... There have been way too many situations that show that my grandma really cares about me. One of them was when I fell on a metal bar and they had to get stitches. I was about 6 years old, residing in a summer camp. The camp was about 30 miles from where my original place of residence. It was really old, built in 1950s. Our camp group was outside on the playground. It had several swings and slides. As I was swinging on a swing, my hand suddenly slipped, and my head collided with the metal bar. I cried for help, and a supervisor ran to me, and carried to a bench. I was in shock. My head was vibrating and I couldn’t speak, it was a very dreadful moment. Later on, an ambulance was called and I was driven to a hospital. My grandmother found out about the incident only after the next day. When she got a call from the camp, she rushed to the hospital and came into my room. I was doing fine and had several stitches. She hugged me and kissed me and said ...
So basically, to get this out of the hold, I want to clarify. My teacher said
Include more imagery. It was mostly marked on that paragraph. So I need to find out where I have to add more imagery and where I have to remove it.