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I’m editing a first person story and I’m a bit stumped on one thing in particular. I’m not sure how to explain this in a non-confusing way.

Is it okay or correct to mix the dialogue and actions of one character, with the actions of another?

For example:

“You okay, buddy?” he asked. I scoffed and looked away.

“Yes. Fine.” I snapped. He laughed and looked down, his hair falling into his eyes.

Or, should it be this way:

“You okay, buddy?” he asked.

I scoffed and looked away. “Yes. Fine.” I snapped.

He laughed and looked down, his hair falling into his eyes.

Alternatively:

“You okay, buddy?” he asked.

I scoffed and looked away.

“Yes. Fine.” I snapped.

He laughed and looked down, his hair falling in his eyes.

Which is the correct way?

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    I vote for second formatting. Easier to read and compact.
    – Bassem Akl
    Jan 31 at 5:13
  • I definitely agree with Bassem Akl, the second one sounds best.
    – Murphy L.
    Feb 1 at 1:43

1 Answer 1

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Your second format is probably best, however, you should never put dialog in the middle of a paragraph. Either begin or end on a quoted dialog, never sandwhich it in narrative action.

To wit you can change the following:

I scoffed and looked away. “Yes. Fine.” I snapped.

to

I scoffed, looking away. “Yes, Fine!”

for just a bit more clean up, since someone who just "scoffed" will inform the way the reader hears their dialog. Additionally, the change of punctuation from a period to exclamation point helps sell a terse response. If you still want to put a dialog tag, you need to end quoted dialog with a comma, as the quoted dialog is the predicate action of what "I said" and is not a separate sentence unto itself.

I would also recommend turning looked into the verb-form looking, as physical action should be sentence by sentence, or us "as I" instead of "and" to show that the two actions are happening at the same time.

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