How to do a non-binary character?

Question

I'm currently writing a novel in my spare time, though I like how it's going. The main character is a non-binary young adult, I try hard to make sure it doesn't sound off when people are using they/them pronouns. I like to think the character is relatively strict when it comes the their pronouns, so I dislike the idea of changing the character because I have a large personal attachment to them.

So I would love to hear others' opinion. (I'm new to writing and do this as a hobby so please be gentle, I know my writing is not as good as you lovely people. Also I haven't done any proper editing to this so if you see any mistakes please tell me)

With a quick kiss on the cheek and a smile Anibelle got out of the car. Quickly walking to the front gate, she looked over her shoulder and waved goodbye to her sibling, a weak smile adorning her face, she walked away. Archer couldn't help but worry, thoughts of Ani getting bullied and getting hurt raced through their mind. Quickly shaking their head to clear their head, they pulled out the parking spot they were occupying and drove out the lot. Worry and fear going through their head, something caught them off guard.A low growl coming through Archer’s stomach. “I thought I ate something this morning… How odd.” Thinking about it now, they had eaten with Anibelle this morning, since they woke up early to make home fries and eggs.

Answer 1

This question is a fairly broad one, and I'm not sure what specific advice you might find useful, so I will just give my perspective of some things to keep in mind, speaking as a person who uses they/them pronouns.

What is a nonbinary person?

A nonbinary person is a person who does not identify as either male or female, and typically does not use male or female pronouns. Instead, they identify as somewhere in the middle, or outside the gender binary entirely. It's a similar concept to being androgynous, genderless or agender, but naturally that's a discussion for another time and I won't get into it.

When you are writing a nonbinary person, here are some general things to keep in mind:

Pronouns, pronouns, pronouns!

Nonbinary people by definition do not identify as either binary gender, and typically use they/them pronouns. However, some nonbinary people do "lean" in one direction and might be okay with those pronouns, too. Your protagonist might be purely nonbinary, or they might lean a bit in one direction, just like bisexual people can lean towards preferring men or preferring women. Think about who they identify as and how they might prefer to lean, if at all.

It's also good to make sure your grammar is cooperating when you write a they/them character, since obviously "they" is a plural pronoun that is used singularly to refer to a nonbinary individual. That can lead to some grammatical confusion in your sentences if you're not careful, so be very cautious and make sure your subjects, verbs and objects agree while using these pronouns.

Misgendering and assumptions

How does your character react to being misgendered or people assuming their gender? Most other nonbinary people I know view being identified by other people as male or female as misgendering and even hurtful, and some may strongly dislike it or have an emotional reaction to it when people do it deliberately or in an offensive way. Personally I don't mind whatever pronouns people call me, and I often make a game of "what's my gender going to be today?" but not everyone is as cavalier as I am, and that's valid, too. Your nonbinary protagonist may have strong responses when people assume their gender or try to invalidate their gender identity, or they might not care at all.

Dead names and previous identities

The concept of "dead-naming" someone in the nonbinary/trans world means that you use the name and pronouns that the person used before transitioning. This is usually very offensive to the person if it's on purpose, and even if it's an accident, for many people it still stings a little.

Did any of your character's friends and family members know them before they accepted themselves as nonbinary and began using a new name and/or pronouns? Do any of their friends and family still misgender or dead-name them? This may naturally cause your protagonist a lot of emotional turmoil and conflict.

Answer 2

The Rules of Attraction...

Kudos for choosing a character outside the box. In my opinion, however, the "box" is largely imaginary, existing in the minds of those looking at people. We all know what it's like to be awkward teens, struggling with identity, unsure of how or even IF we want to be accepted, and a non-binary character is the same. Treat them like a person. Period.

A non-binary character will have more and more complex choices to make than a binary character, and that's great for drama. The standardized rules don't need to apply. but they can as much as the character wants. Young adult is perfect, because the character is still making the decisions about life, and who they are. As a writer, you can even have them make decisions, then change your/their mind. Sure, give in to peer pressure and do the gender-specific OR stereotyped thing. Then switch directions and do the opposite. You wouldn't even need to re-write, because your character can decide they are really something else - and that's okay.

For love, there are no rules, except what you want. Establish the details of your character's gender(whatever you decide) and be true to it - or not. Perhaps your character likes relationships with women, but is more sexually attracted to boys. I know folks like that. Great. Sex is gross and awkward and too much to deal with? Great. I know folks like that, too. HOWEVER, relationships involve two, so the prejudices of any potential partners (including LGBTQ+ ones) can really mess up how things go. Trust me, messed up is GREAT for stories.

As for pronouns, feel free to pick, choose, and change them. Sometimes your character may feel one gender, the other, both, neither, or something else entirely. Switching pronouns may even be part of the story development. Perhaps they are always "she" when Derek is around, but asexual with Betty, and "zim" or "Zer" when at a bar with drinks. Be sure this is clear (changes are confusing, especially for someone non-binary) but potentially fun.

If you keep fundamental humanity, then the relatively "insignificant" details of gender can be the grist for storytelling. We all love people, but it's baggage that will stop you. If your reader is good with it, why not?

Answer 3

I must admit that I don't really understand the concept of "non-binary", however this conviction of mine is not in stone and I might be interested to read about a non-binary person to open up my horizon. In order for such a book to be interesting for me it should be able to explain/convey to me what being non-binary is actually all about. Just throwing around a lot of they/their or other non-standard pronouns around will not teach me (or others like me) anything about being non-binary. Also, while the use of they/them to refer to a singular person might already be commonplace for some, for a lot of other people it will be highly confusing.

Maybe this book of yours should be a book without personal pronouns. I am sure this could be done, after all someone managed to write a book without the letter 'e' as well.