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I wrote the following:

She invited him to look out the window, which he did. He looked out of the gray window and saw a field of green vegetables under a lush blue sky. Children were playing in the hills descending and going up them as they played games. Under the mountain, a large silvery river fed plants and animals in large abundance. It was like heaven on earth. Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit as she stood beside him.

I wrote this, but I am not sure how to improve the transition from the non-bolded part to the bolded part? Is it just a case of not telling the readers that the main character "turned his head towards her", or is there more to it?

She invited him to look out the window, which he did. He looked out of the gray window and saw a field of green vegetables under a lush blue sky. Children were playing in the hills descending and going up them as they played games. Under the mountain, a large silvery river fed plants and animals in large abundance. It was like heaven on earth. He turned his head towards her. Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit as she stood beside him.

I feel like even if I do that, it sounds really awkward and bad, but I can't point the finger on what's wrong with it. Is it a case where we need a different paragraph for the bolded part?

closed as off-topic by wetcircuit, Reinstate Monica, Kale Slade, JP Chapleau, April May 22 at 13:11

This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:

  • "This question appears to be off-topic because asking what to write or asking for help rephrasing a sentence or passage are both off-topic here, as such questions are very unlikely to help anybody else." – wetcircuit, Reinstate Monica, Kale Slade, JP Chapleau
If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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    I voted to close because asking what to write and critique questions are off-topic (they aren't likely to help anyone else). IMHO your issue is all the filter words. You are trying to force my to eyeball look at stuff, then it's awkward to try to say the guy showed a feel while my eyeball is stuck to the window… It's like describing a pantomime from far away. Remove the filter words and it will come alive, not anonymous puppet show. Here's a few articles. You will get the idea quickly, and then see it everywhere. duckduckgo.com/?q=writing+filter+words – wetcircuit May 19 at 3:16
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    @wetcircuit I went back and forth about whether this was a "asking for a rewrite" question or a on-topic one that had a long example. I agree with what you're saying but ultimately decided it was the latter and voted to keep open. But yeah I agree with you, the problem isn't the transition, it's the forced language. – Cyn May 19 at 16:22
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I think it sounds awkward too. First, I would start a new paragraph.

Second; "He turned his head toward her" is awkward; "He looked at her" is less awkward.

"made him cry a bit" sounds strange to me. I think whatever emotion he is feeling needs to be named.

"as she stood beside him" detracts from the expression of emotion because it is a neutral description of her position, and that should not be at the END of the sentence, you want your sentences to end with what was most important in the sentence. In this case, I would move that earlier in the paragraph where you are handling neutral action.

She invited him to look out the window. He stepped to her side, to see what she was seeing.

Getting rid of that, we are left with

He looked at her. Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit.

Break it up, see what pieces we need to handle:

He looked at her. Her smile was beautiful. It made him cry a bit.

There is an opportunity to connect the outside beauty to the woman. We can add a transition from "looking out the window" to "looking at her". And we can make the emotion that makes him cry more explicit.

When he broke his gaze from the window to look at her, her smile was just as beautiful as the splendor outside. Tears of elation welled in his eyes.

So something like that. I say "broke his gaze" because it implies more than looking; he was entranced by what he saw and had to break away. "Looking" or "Looked" is too flat. We connect the beauty he saw outside to the beauty he sees inside. We make the emotion explicit (Elation, or pick your own). We end the sentence with what is most important, the emotion he is feeling so strongly it warrants tearing up.

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