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The fanfic I'm writing is so that I may get into the swing of literature. A test story if you might like in the Mass Effect Universe. Please prepare for a long text because there's a lot of trivia here.

Now what I need is in this hypothetical scenario; humanity is a techno-organic race and is one of the few in history to enter the second stage of Singularity. This culminates in them creating an instrumentality effect a la Evangelion style, minus the giant naked girls and traumatized teenagers, with a twist. They all die and merge into a colossal eldritch entity.

This is what I have made so far.

Now the firm I've made so far has to do with humanity in some way. The body: it's humanoid in proportions due to it being a union of humanity. It has no skin, just transparent liquid diamond muscle with iron red striations, its cardiovascular system uses superheated liquid iron as blood. The bones are composed of a calcium silicate crystal that is shiny and white. Then it is covered in an obsidian bone plates that hide certain parts of the thing. At its center lies a red ruby core that pulses energy throughout the body. It has a halo that sports large number of angelic wings composed of red solar plasma with blue tips on them. Very much like Magnus the Red's wings just made of solar flames. It has three burning eyes. It also has throughout the body circuit like patterns due to humanity's techno organic nature.

The colors. Red is a psychologically active color on humanity (aggression, sex, blood, strength, virility, vitality, etc...) as such its the most abundant on it, likewise blue is our general favorite as it is present in the tips of the wings. The fiery and luminous nature of its wings and 90% of the body come from the fact that humans are creatures of the light and being in absence of it for long periods of time messes with our minds. The wings symbolize humanity's long wish for flight. While it may not look that impressive its effect its mostly on the mind of the observer.

The story is quite sometimes written in the eyes of the aliens. A human sees this thing and goes "That's so beautiful.... am... am I home? I'm home....". An alien though sees this thing and can only express disgust, horror or revulsion. For us is a warm welcoming light that never judges, never excludes you and always protects you, like a mother, a father, a brother, a friend. It is in essence... home. For aliens though it's an incandescent red light so pure in its form and sentience that its a perversion of all that it associated with, it excludes you from all warmth and you only feel the unrivaled heat and alieness from it.

Its name is Zha’asladroth, which translates to the Crimson Daemon Star of a Thousand Winged Crown. Thats it thats what I have so far.

I want to make a cosmic abomination from humanity. So how can I make it a more eldritch being?

closed as too broad by linksassin, Cyn, Chenmunka, Galastel, April Apr 3 at 13:38

Please edit the question to limit it to a specific problem with enough detail to identify an adequate answer. Avoid asking multiple distinct questions at once. See the How to Ask page for help clarifying this question. If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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    Welcome to writing.se! Take the tour and visit the help center to learn how things work around here. There's a lot going on in this post and it's difficult to work out what your actual question is. I would suggest you edit the post to remove the superfluous detail and only focus on the actual problem you want solved. This may get put on hold as unclear until then, don't worry about that it will get reopened once you clarify your problem. Thanks for participating and happy writing. – linksassin Apr 3 at 4:14
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    I'm voting to close this question as off-topic because it belongs on Worldbuilding. But I'll warn you, it will be closed there because it is too broad and too unclear. Join WB, read for a while, then post one small brief question. Just one. You can ask about other aspects in other questions after the first one is answered. Welcome to Writing.SE and do post questions here about the writing process. – Cyn Apr 3 at 4:21
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    Now that I understand the question better I agree with @Cyn. This is question about creature design not writing. Don't be discouraged, if you have other questions while writing this piece we're here to help. – linksassin Apr 3 at 4:23
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    Okay. Now I see you posted it to WB 11 hours ago and they sent you here to Writing. I disagree. This set of questions belongs in WB, not Writing. It was closed there for being too broad and that is correct. You're basically telling your whole story and asking for input on a dozen or more things. That doesn't work on any StackExchange site. – Cyn Apr 3 at 4:34
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1. The issue

In my opinion the issue is a strong prevalence of telling rather than showing.

All I read in the OP was the description of some fancy lava lamp. To a reader it does not strike any emotion, and it serves no purpose.

2. Clarify your goal

First you need to establish what you want to write about. If it is just a physical description, then you're on the good track. If it is a story instead, you need to clarify what is the plot.

3. On writing

A note on the content. It is a fact that telling a reader that they should be scared will, at best, elicit a good laugh. You need to show them they there are good reasons to be scared. Start by showing normality, create characters that the readers can relate to, then bring in your lava lamp and make it destroy this normality. Focus on the loss and helplessness (or any feeling you want to show) of the characters that the readers can relate to and refrain from plain descriptions. In fanfic it helps to convert your emotions when you read the original work. Start from the things you like and write down what you felt.

4. On asking

To avoid getting your questions closed, focus on what you really need. "I have a beast in mind, but I am stuck on its description. When I re read my text it sounds plain. How can I improve it/what should I focus on so that a reader may feel scared/intrigued?" May fly better.

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We can’t tell you what or how to write as the process is unique to each of us. That said, you need to decide a few things.

You have a character created via mass destruction. Is this character aware of its genesis? Which narrative voice will you choose? First person, third person limited, third person omniscient?

Whose story is it? Is this a tale of humans trying to avert their own destruction by a limited version of such? Is it the story of the aliens observing it? Is it the newborn abomination?

What will happen to your new entity? Will it be another cosmic child? Or is it a new universe born out of the old but has no knowledge of its own nature?

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