(TW, depression related stuff?)
In my AP Lang class, we've recently started an activity called Visiting Author, where a student does a cold read of a piece they wrote and the others give criticism and suggestions either out loud or on paper. I volunteered to read a poem I had written about my life. Afterwards, during the suggestions and reading over people's thoughts, I noticed a few people criticized my use of run-on sentences.
Example One, directly from my piece:
i vomited up equations and
heaved tears into my pillows
when i heard my mother say,
because the numbers always needed
to be higher
except when it came to the
milligrams of medication,
pulvules of prozac replacing my pupils,
dependency on my happy pills
does not dare affect
coddled by trauma, taught to walk
by mental breakdowns mislabeled as
and at the tender age of nine
in the fifth house i'd lived in
the manifestations of my illness
wrapped a belt around my neck
and tried to silence me,
but i didn't have time.
Are these sentences "bad", or confusing? Are run-ons always a bad idea, or can they be effective? Is my use of run-on sentences effective?