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This is an extract from my personal 300 word writeup about a video. Can anyone suggest a smoother way to write my final paragraph? The first paragraph is just to add in more context but feel free to comment about it if you wish.

Extract

The video is believed to be targeted towards the conservative populace, which consists of mostly the older generation. This is evident in how the video connects them emotionally by revolving the plot around an old woman, a figure of authority. The use of a song that re-iterates “laughs” and “joy” in its lyrics and has a light-hearted tune, creates a long-awaited setting, for a marriage between a male and his significant other.

However, the mood took a 180 degree turn the moment the significant other was revealed to be a male, which followed after a tune of disappointment and shocked facial expressions of the supporting characters.

closed as off-topic by Chris Sunami, Cyn, Galastel, Weathervane, Rasdashan Feb 1 at 23:39

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  • 1
    I edited the intro only, not the text of the "extract." I also added the [essay] tag, which is the closest appropriate tag I could find. Despite editing, I will say that I also voted to close the question as being off-topic. You're asking people to critique your work, which we don't allow here. It's okay to give examples but that's not what's happening here. – Cyn Feb 1 at 15:11
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I think the main problem (for me) with the second paragraph is the abrupt change in tense. We were in the present:

The use of a song that re-iterates “laughs” and “joy” in its lyrics and has a light-hearted tune, creates a long-awaited setting, for a marriage between a male and his significant other.

but now we're into the past:

However, the mood took a 180 degree turn the moment the significant other was revealed to be a male, which followed after a tune of disappointment and shocked facial expressions of the supporting characters

Other than the tense issue, I don't think the second paragraph is all that bad. I don't much like "a tune of disappointment," but it's hard to come up with a better alternative (and one that doesn't imply that the music itself is of poor quality). I didn't personally detect much change in the music, but I'm not familiar with the conventions of Indian music. My solution was to replace "180 degree turn" with an expression that is itself musical:

However, there's a dramatic change in tone at the moment when, to the evident shock of the supporting characters, the significant other is revealed to be a male!

The reveal of the same sex partner is a surprise in the film, so I emphasise that by using an exclamation mark.

Other comments? I find your opening sentence rather cumbersome:

The video is believed to be targeted towards the conservative populace, which consists of mostly the older generation.

Believed by whom? Could you maybe just say this:

I believe the video is targeted at the conservative older generation.

Or just lose the "I believe" altogether.

Also, at the end of the first paragraph:

The use of a song that re-iterates “laughs” and “joy” in its lyrics and has a light-hearted tune, creates a long-awaited setting, for a marriage between a male and his significant other.

Is it really the setting that's long-awaited? I'd have thought it's the marriage:

The use of a song that re-iterates “laughs” and “joy” in its lyrics and has a light-hearted tune, creates the setting for a long-awaited marriage between a male and his significant other.

  • Hi, thanks for the feedback on some of the sentences structure and tenses. I'm not a very good writer, and haven't been writing in a long time either, and moreover, the writeup was actually an assignment on a random video, and the full writeup is supposed to answer some self generated questions on Barrett's Taxonomy(if you're familiar with that framework). I'm not sure if I should post the full essay because one of the people here told me that "proofreading" is not supported here. If you are willing to go the extra mile, I would gladly post it here for a full review. – Prashin Jeevaganth Feb 1 at 11:35

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