As a beginner, I have a frequent problem when writing: I know what I want to write, but I fail to put it in good sentences that reflect my thoughts.
Often, this appears in dialogues when I try to describe the reaction or/and emotions of my characters. It ends up with sentences formed of 'X [did that] and [did that other thing] while Y [has this reaction]...' which doesn't really convey my initial thoughts when I read them afterward. Furthermore, it doesn't flow naturally, and I suspect that I lose the reader's interest really quickly.
To illustrate, imagine Bob in a situation where he did something wrong and is being scolded by his parents Alice and Oscar. I would write the scene like that:
"Look at what you did..."
Bob risked a quick glance. All he could see was Alice's face of pure disappointment and Oscar's frowned brows. The pressure made him instantly look back on the ground with shame, and he stayed silent due to the fear of causing more trouble. Would this gesture have been the right answer for Alice who calmed down a little, it certainly did not please Oscar whose anger exploded.
"I raised a coward ! At least have the decency to face your problems like a man."
The retort hit Bob like a hard stone and he froze -- trying to make himself as little as possible. Why did he always have to put himself in such difficult situations ? He knew what would be the outcome, his parents had warned him many times. Yet, in the end, he couldn't get to be the man his father wished for…
The bitterness made a tear ran down his cheek.
It was too late now — they were going to send him to the mines.
I wrote this example above like any other of my stories, and I think it really showcases my problem. I just spent a significant amount of time writing this, and upon rereading it — it doesn’t sound right. It feels like too much description, too much ‘and then’, and it reminds me that there is someone behind the scene. That is to say, I fail to immerse in my writing and achieve what I intended in the first place…
Therefore, I end up with that simple yet unanswered question:
As an experienced writer, how do you write prose so that the reader gets immersed in your story ? (when I talk about Prose, I'm referring to the sentences whose goal is to describe something or make the link between the key moments of a scene)