You may actually be searching for a closer narrator who is telling things in retrospective fashion. However, you seem to be sensing that it comes from the use of passive language though it probably does not.
A very good example of a close narrator comes in the Lemony Snicket series.
For example, The Bad Beginning (Lemony Snicket)
(You can read more of the excerpt at the amazon link.)
If you are interested in stories with happy endings, you would be
better off reading some other book. In this book, not only is there no
happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in
the middle. This is because not very many happy things happened in the
lives of the three Baudelaire youngsters. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny
Baudelaire were intelligent children, and they were charming, and
resourceful, and had pleasant facial features, but they were extremely
unlucky, and most everything that happened to them was rife with
misfortune, misery, and despair. I'm sorry to tell you this but that
is how the story goes.
Their misfortune began one day at Briny Beach. The three Baudelaire
children lived with their parents in an enormous mansion at the heart
of a dirty and busy city, and occasionally their parents gave them
permission to take a rickety trolley-the word "rickety," you probably
know, here means "unsteady" or "likely to collapse"-alone to the
seashore, where they would spend the day as a sort of vacation as long
as they were home for dinner. This particular morning it was gray and
cloudy, which didn't bother the Baudelaire youngsters one bit.
See how it feels as if the narrator is talking directly to you as you read this?
That may be something of the style you are going for, but somehow you have sensed that using passive language is what will get you there.
Passive Language, Doesn't Do Much
The challenge of passive language is that it doesn't move much. Instead every nouns seems to just lay there being.
- The dog was loud.
- The man was mad.
- The city was dark.
Yours starts out like:
Orion was a hot land with white grass and shallow lakes. The region
was inhabited by prideful hunters, white-clothed beings who were often
in war with themselves. In the third era, Orion was ruled by Rigel
An Example Of Active Verbs
My example below is by no means better. It is different. The thing you gain is that your story will begin to do something before the readers' eyes. It will transform from things being to characters and things doing.
I've bolded nouns and italicized verbs.
Allow me to tell you of a land named Orion. In those days, the
sun baked Orion until the grass turned white and the lakes ran shallow. Hunters who often fought each other inhabited the region, prided themselves on looking good in their white robes.
Finally, in the third era, Rigel ruled with a mighty hand,
destroying all invaders, creating peace in the land for a time.