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Okay so I'm bombing here with the prologue of my novel, The Perfect Twin (which I may change cause of copyright). This story is meant to have some sort of dramatic turn to it. It's about a pair of twins who meet a mysterious girl on the internet and they believe she's causing them damage to their family. And so far I only have this:

Leo held the camera while his older twin brother stood next to him as usual and give their introduction. "We're gonna prank our brother Dario again by putting slime all over his car." Theo gulped, praying that this doesn't go wrong. He still couldn't forget how calm he was when they his car with marshmallows.

They pulled their supplies out of the garage and set them out in their backyard. Leo recorded while Theo poured the glue in, then after pouring in the brown food coloring, they mixed it with a wooden spoon used for cooking. "Okay, guys, we finished with one bucket now we're about to fill the other," Leo said to the camera, grinning.

Theo went pale as he eyed the other container. Oh man, I hope we don't wake him or get caught by Rio or mom... He thought, trying to mask his fear. His hands trembled as he picked up two gallons of glue.

Now they have two containers of brown slime that looked like mud. First, the boys put duct tape on it first to prevent the slime from getting inside the car. Then, they each dumped one container of the muddy slime on the front of their brother's car. With a roller paint brush that Leo ran in the garage to get, he covered the remaining of their brother's car.

When Leo gave Theo the camera, his hands trembled while holding the camera. He pursed his lips to keep from hyperventilating. He followed a snickering Leo upstairs where they found Dario in the bathroom freshening up. Leo walked in, smiling. "Morning, Dari, what's up?"

Dario, their second older brother after Rio is getting tricked by his younger brothers. Everything of these brothers personalities should be three-dimensional, including the fear of the older twin, Theo. I'm having trouble with this other half of the paragraph also:

"I'm gonna be late for school," Dario replied, "I was supposed to be there at ten forty-five but now I don't even know what time it is."

"Oh," Leo glanced at the camera saying, "Well you've been a great brother to Theo and I and we have a surprise for you." Theo came in, zooming in on Dario's face.

"Are you serious?" Dario looked at the camera with his eyebrows raised. "Why're you recording?" Theo gulped, then signaled to Leo telling him to come on. Leo grinned at Dario saying, "Let's go!"

After Dario put on his shoes, Theo opened the door while Leo covered Dario's eyes and walked him out the door. Once outside, a wave of fear rushed through Theo. No, no, no, no, no, no, his brain said as he ambled behind them. "You're getting warmer!"

I really feel like I'm rushing here...so please proofread, critic, whatever you need to do to help. Thanks.

closed as off-topic by FraEnrico, Amadeus, F1Krazy, storbror, ggiaquin16 Nov 22 '17 at 21:48

This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:

  • "This question appears to be off-topic because asking what to write or asking for help rephrasing a sentence or passage are both off-topic here, as such questions are very unlikely to help anybody else." – FraEnrico, Amadeus, F1Krazy, storbror, ggiaquin16
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    Hello Breanna! Here on Writing SE your type of question is not allowed: we don't do proofreading or similar discussions. You can check the help page on what to ask and not to ask: writers.stackexchange.com/help/on-topic If you have a specific question on how to express an idea, a passage, a concept, then you might rephrase your question to better fit the community. I hope this helps! – FraEnrico Nov 22 '17 at 8:17