So, in the very first paragraph of my first chapter of my Work in progress novel, there's this absolute piece of trash event happening. And oh, my God I can't fix it for the life of me.

In the year 3017 there was a large scale war- all countries against America. The president wanted a dictatorship and changed laws, bending them to his will. He wanted world domination and tried taking over many smaller countries, some larger, Russia was top priority per usual. Rallies broke out around the country, but the beginnings of them started in the Capital. The leader of this rally was Greyson Ammone, a strong willed man with a sharp intelligence. The war lasted around five years, give or take a few months.

Is there any way to strengthen this paragraph. There's just a little bit of history of why my novel takes place in this "post apocalyptic" type of world.

Can this be "morphed" into a better summary?

I have this long version, but no one would want to read that. I don't even want to. I am not asking for this to be edited, but can it be saved from being this butchered?

Ex. I was writing ideas for this intro down, and all of them were inevitably crossed out, but this one made it, somehow? How can I express this "Destruction" idea be expressed without sounding like a middle-schooler?

closed as off-topic by user16226 Oct 30 '17 at 22:22

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  • 1
    In it's current form, this is asking what to write, which is off topic for us. I would recommend looking at the passage and trying to determine exactly what about it you feel is making it so bad. This is a great exercise at any time, and it will also help you narrow down what exactly you need help with. Make sure the question can apply to others, not just yourself, and it will be on topic. – Thomas Myron Oct 30 '17 at 22:06
  • *To be perfectly honest, I just want to know if this will sell or not. – Aspen the Artist and Author Oct 30 '17 at 22:11
  • 5
    In it's current form, this is still a what to write...you are basically asking us if it can be saved, the answer is yes, anything can be saved. I can give you a hint to the problem though... you aren't really telling a story... you are mostly recanting the story as if stating facts from a bullet point. It's like reading a history book. describe the war... reference the war at a later date but instead of giving a summary of the war, talk about a specific battle or event that happened and describe that. – ggiaquin16 Oct 30 '17 at 23:22
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    ggiaquin is right, this is still off-topic. They key is to use your writing as an example. Your question should be, 'I have this writing, which suffers from problems A, B, and C. What can writers do to fix those problems?' – Thomas Myron Oct 31 '17 at 3:47
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    Do not begin with history, begin with CONFLICT that reveals history. The story of Greyson's fight for power and fight to unify disparate groups of rebels with various complaints, by finding a common ground they could agree to, giving up some goals for the assurance, by a guy that does not lose, that others will be accomplished. Whether Greyson succeeds or fails, if they believe in him at the time, they join him. But hint that there was a struggle for Greyson, his leadership was not automatic, and did not just happen for no reason. He led with ruthless brilliance, perhaps, like Napoleon. – Amadeus Oct 31 '17 at 12:56

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