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The concept of my story is that i would rewrite the story of the first ever vampire in a medieval setting, and from two perspectives, one from the vampire's friend and brothers in arms, and the other from the vampire itself.

The climax of the story is supposed to be during a confrontation between the two warring kingdoms, where the sheer amount of blood makes the vampire completely mad to the point where he can no longer keep up appearances, where he goes on a rampage, murdering friend and foe alike.

The problem with my idea is that this scene is supposed to be told from the point of view of the friend, who has no idea what is going on. Every time i try to describe the vampire and his actions it feels too "familiar". Basically, how do i describe the cliche "Red eyes, sharp teeth, lust for blood" as if it was completely new and mysterious?

EDIT: The idea is that the description feels foreign even for the reader, who has a vague knowledge of that character's "vampirism".

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If this doesn't help, sorry. I tried.

Just don't dumb it down too much. The guy doesn't know what a vampire is, but he isn't a complete imbecile. The readers already know what a vampire is, no need to explain it to them.

Also: how does his friend know he has a lust for blood, maybe he's just really violent? Don't imply it right at the start. Usually people get it wrong the first time. Don't give him the answers, if that makes sense.

So: don't dumb it down, we already know what a vampire is. Also, use logical deductions you would make to reach the logical conclusion he makes. Work your way to the conclusion w/ him.

Basically put him in your shoes. Think of it like acting, if that helps: you're the actor, and the vampire's friend is the character you're playing. When actors act, usually it isn't just reading lines.

Often, actors examine their characters: what are their goals, what do they want, how do they reach their goal, what's happening, what is the context, etc.

So , in other words, be like an actor, I guess.

  • Oddly enough, this helped out a lot hahaha Thank you very much! – RazorFinger Jun 15 '16 at 10:28
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I think you really need to focus on those things that the friend can observe and then conclusions from those observations. This will likely make your descriptions concern the physical manifestations. Not "lust for blood" but maybe "behaving like a berserker" or "in a frenzy." What other odd things might the friend notice? And please don't rely on the "not showing in the mirror" as it has been done a zillion times. Maybe instead it's a cold day and the friend notices there is no cloud of chilled breath when the vampire speaks? Good luck!

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You said the scene was from the POV of the friend, who I am assuming doesn't know he's a vampire. Maybe instead of Red eyes and sharp teeth, you could describe something else. As for luster for bloof, maybe reword it? I'm pretty sure I didn't help at all, but,hey, I tried.

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    I'm new here so this may be inappropriate — apologies if it is — but I just wanted to say that you made me smile with the phrase luster for bloof :) – Cakebox Jun 15 '16 at 9:46
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You say that the reader also don't really know the character vampirism, so are you just going to jump from nothing to your climax, where his vampirism will be revealed ?

I mean, I think a climax is efficient when it comes after a crescendo : some indications of the character vampirism, growing suspiscions from the part of his friend.

I also think it would be difficult to hide it from the reader, but since you don't want the friend to be aware of you character true nature (despite all the clues) it can be intresting to let the reader know that secret before the friend, so he will anticipate the moment everything will be clearly revealed, and then you climax will be a real apotheosis !

  • The reader will know, actually, it just won't be told to him. The idea is that the character will be transforming into something foreign and unknow to everyone, including both narrators, but the reader should be able to pick up on the behavior and make the link to vampires, get it? – RazorFinger Jun 15 '16 at 11:30

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