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Gone. Of course. How could I expect anything less? I searched around in his room anyway. Once I was convinced that he truly left, I rushed out of the empty bedroom and thundered down the halls. I flipped the hood of my cloak over my head as I dashed down the grand steps and into the main hall. Just as I was about to speed out of the door, I was stopped. “Hold on just a minute. You’re not allowed outside.” I huffed and shoved the guard aside, still aiming for the door. He and his partner exchanged looks. The guard then reached out and took hold of my arm, stopping me once more. “I am under orders to prevent you from leaving,” he repeated with a hint of annoyance in voice. I relaxed and feigned surrender, before I ripped my arm free and burst through the doors. I had to. I had to track him while it was still fresh. My shoes dug into the soft dirt as I sped out of the castle walls.

~EDIT~ ( I hope this is at least slightly better. XD)

Gone. How could I expect anything less? I swallowed hard, trying to calm the terror inside me as I searched around in his room anyway. The gleam of an arrow caught my eye. His bow and arrow lay untouched against the wall. Okay so he’s weaponless. I strode over to the balony and glanced down. It was high, but not too terribly high that you couldn’t just- Oh great. He’s brainless as well.

I turned and reentered the silent room, desperately trying to think of where he could have gone in such a hurry that he forgot to arm himself. Suddenly, I felt a gentle tug. Of course.The Bond. A slight relief filled me as a smile slowly inched it’s way onto my face. I didn’t have to know, I could track him. It led me out of the empty bedroom and down the candle lit halls. I flipped the hood of my cloak on as I dashed down the grand steps and into the main hall. Just as I was about to speed out of the door, I was stopped.

“Hold on just a minute. You’re not allowed outside.” Idiots. I have to get out of here. I huffed and shoved the guard aside, still aiming for the door. He and his partner exchanged looks. The guard then reached out and took hold of my arm, stopping me once more.

“I am under orders to prevent you from leaving,” he repeated with a hint of annoyance in voice. I relaxed and feigned surrender, before I ripped my arm free and burst through the doors. I had to. I had to continue to track him while it was still fresh. My shoes dug into the soft ground as I sprinted out of the castle walls. As I distanced myself with the castle, I began to doubt myself. Maybe he was perfectly fine. Perhaps he had just gone for a late night walk… by escaping through his balcony. I frowned, pushing myself even harder. Something was wrong. Very wrong.

closed as off-topic by Standback Mar 13 '16 at 7:05

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  • 1
    Nice, but the "I strode over to the baloney" distracts me. – Ville Niemi Mar 13 '16 at 5:04
  • Hi @Randomations, welcome to Writers.SE! I'm afraid that feedback questions like this are not on-topic for our site - we're a Q&A site, somewhat different than writers' forums you may be familiar with, and critique questions aren't what we're about. I hope we'll prove a useful resource in other ways! :) If you want to learn more about Writers.SE, try our site tour, and our on-topic summary for some broad guidelines on what we accept and what we don't. All the best! – Standback Mar 13 '16 at 7:08
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While it does sound intriguing (I myself would continue reading) I do happen to think it could use some work. It seems very abrupt and sudden and just a bit too 'thrown in' while you always want to start with action to get your readers excited I personally felt it was a little too fast. Try adding some description, maybe a few more of you MC's thoughts, just to spread it out a little, show a bit more emotion. Is this someone your MC was found of? Perhaps express more annoyance/distress in his/her thoughts. You need to start building up tension from the moment you begin writing, and I felt it needed just a bit more to make us really care about what was going on, as a reader its seemed almost dull and unimportant though I can tell it is meant to be your clincher, so I'd add just a little more detail and pump it up on the tension, make us REALLY care about what's going on even though we don't know yet! I'd like to read more of this story I think, it seems enticing and has awesome potential! (I'm kinda a fantasy geek and I was getting some of those vibes from this!) Hope you post your edited version if you end up writing one!

  • Perfect! Love the edit great job!!! I would definitely keep reading! Word of advice, while she runs off to track him do a bit of a double take on her thoughts, just so the reader won't get confused i.e: I leapt over the stones, slick from the water of the creek, thinking back to the day we discovered our special bond >Insert backstory bit< Just to explain a little of what's going on, then you could finish this thought string off with: Now as a pressed through the underbrush I thought of all the possible reasons he could have had for leaving like this :) Hope this helps awesome job!!! – ShadowAuthor Mar 13 '16 at 4:12

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