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This is the second to last scene in the first chapter. It starts with Lisa hunting and getting a deer and ends with Lisa getting bit by a venomous snake.

Now you might be thinking "You can't carry a deer all by yourself." but these humanoids can carry deer easily and can even carry an adult black bear over short distances. Their muscles are about the same size as ours so that means that each myocyte(muscle cell) is stronger.

Lisa hunting:

Lisa went on the hunt in the forest a few weeks later. She climbed a tree and saw a deer. She got it with her bow and arrow. While she was carrying the deer, a snake was heading towards her. Lisa heard the snake slithering.

Here she doesn't know yet that the snake is venomous until she turns her head and looks at it.

Venomous snake encounter:

She widened her eyes and screamed “A snake is heading straight towards me! It is venomous!”

Robin heard her screaming and said “My father developed a natural antivenom. Namely, his own antibodies. Maybe your antibodies will react to the venom and your white blood cells will get rid of it.”

Lisa said “I hope so because, ouch!”

Robin said “Lisa, are you okay?”

Lisa said “I have been bitten by a venomous snake. It didn’t even warn me to back off.”

Robin said “Hmm, the only venomous snakes around here that I know of are rattlers and they almost always rattle before they strike. Let me catch that snake to see what bit you. In the meantime, keep the bitten area below your heart and move slowly if at all.”

Lisa said “Okay. Be careful out there.”

Robin said “I will. I learned how to catch a snake during the 21 years I had to survive in nature including venomous snakes.”

So Robin went into the woods and got the snake. He then calmed the snake down. He really knew how to be around snakes, including venomous snakes.

Here people have told me that saying Robin said right after Lisa opened her eyes and screamed diminishes the tone. I honestly don't think it does because of the words that Robin says(antibodies, natural antivenom etc.)

They have also told me that exclamatory is wrong here. I honestly don't think it is because Lisa didn't know the snake was venomous until she looked at it.

And they have told me that Robin's use of Hmm is wrong here. Again I don't think it is because he is wondering what venomous snake bit her since he knows that the only venomous snakes he has seen are rattlers and they almost always rattle before they strike and the snake the bit Lisa did not even warn her to back off but instead bit her with 1 fang and that's that.

So how can I improve this scene? I know that expansion is probably going to be the number 1 improvement and is the one that comes most naturally to me, but is there any other way I can improve this?

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  • I'm sorry, but asking for general critiques is not on-topic here. Please see the links in the above on-hold box for more information. – Goodbye Stack Exchange Feb 18 '16 at 5:44
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Robin heard her screaming and said “My father developed a natural antivenom. Namely, his own antibodies. Maybe your antibodies will react to the venom and your white blood cells will get rid of it.”

It looks like Robin says all this before Lisa gets bit. In addition to being bad advice, it doesn't help Robin avoid the bite. At this point, he should be shouting advice on how to calm the snake down.

Robin heard her screaming and shouted "Keep still! Don't provoke it! I'll be right there." That wasn't much comfort to Lisa, as she stared at the brightly-colored reptile that was now winding its way around her feet.

The snake's head brushed up against her exposed ankle, and Lisa immediately tried to kick it away. The snake easily dodged the kick and bit hard into her skin. "Aah, ****!" She dropped the deer, and the sudden threat of impact caused the snake to leap away and slither quickly back into the woods.

Robin arrived and said "Lisa, are you okay?"

To have Robin give more helpful advice, I'd advise that you search for actual tips for dealing with wild snakes. Here's a short but informative article.

This text has other issues, but the biggest issue with this story isn't in the text. You seem overly eager to come up with excuses to disregard the comments that other people make. If multiple people have the same issue with your text, then you should strongly consider that they are right.

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To me, Robin seems like a mindless, emotionless drone. When the snake bites Lisa, your scene implies that Robin asks if she's okay in a robotic tone. He should run over to her because she's hurt.

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  • That may be but Robin is not emotionless, he is just not very expressive of his emotions unlike Lisa who is very expressive of her emotions. – Caters Feb 16 '16 at 3:35
  • I see. But to me, it seems that Robin really doesn't care whether lisa dies or not. I would suggest including some actions (running over to Lisa's wounded body) to make the story more cohesive and realistic. In addition, try to avoid telling the story "So Robin went into the woods and got the snake. He then calmed the snake down. " rather than showing it: "His 21 years of expertise with venomous snake really showed in his delicate yet deliberate handiwork in calming down the snake." – fi12 Feb 16 '16 at 3:40

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