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What are the key concepts for writing introductory text more interesting to the reader?

An example:

The Deutsche Bahn AG is the company with the most energy consumption in Germany. It has therefore a interest in efficient usage of it.

compared to

As one of Germany's biggest energy consumers, the Deutsche Bahn AG is interested in efficient energy usage.

As opening sentence of the Introduction. Both contain the same information, but to me the second sounds much more interesting.

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    Either way you're in trouble if you don't have correct syntax and grammar. German is a very different language. Who is your audience? What is its purpose? An introduction can be one sentence or several pages. What is the main substance that you're introducing? – Stu W Dec 31 '15 at 5:49
  • Surely this either belongs on a language-specific SE site, or is too subjective in nature? What sounds "much more interesting" to one is not likely to be rule-based. – Zayne S Halsall Dec 31 '15 at 9:06
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1) Both of the examples you provide contain phrases that have converted verbs into noun phrases. Revert the phrases back into their verb form. For example:

Before: The Deutsche Bahn AG is the company with the most energy consumption in Germany.

After: Deutsche Bahn AG consumes more energy than any other company in Germany.

2) Illustrate the enormity of the problem. Use a number, a comparison and/or an analogy to make the issue real and tangible to your audience. For example:

A quantity: In 2014, its rail, bus, trucking, and airfreight operations consumed the 15 Million Gigajoules, which is equivalent to N tonnes of oil.

A comparison: This is more than the next 10 largest consumers of energy in Germany combined, including Mercedes-Benz, Siemens, etc.

If you are trying to persuade, appeal to your audience's logic, emotions, and morality (logos, pathos, ethos).

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