Cautiously I rose, briefly leaving his side. Turning to the lugubrious window when suddenly I was forced to duck down as cantankerous Nazis dehisced from behind great timber doors, parading across the turbid ground moving in synchronization like irate geese. Something was happening; something bad. We were ensnared in a never-ending cycle of death; invisible to those who once cared. Reluctantly I stared at battered wagons of the dead. Emotionless. Cold, shallow corpses grossly shoveled into immeasurable heads like unwanted leaves in a school playground. What has happened?
closed as off-topic by Standback Feb 2 '14 at 15:40
This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:
- "Requests for writing critiques must include either a specific question about your sample or specific guidelines for the critique. See: What are the guidelines for asking for a critique of my work?" – Standback
No, it isn't.
- The vocabulary starting in your second sentence is very uneven. While I'm a fan of large words, they should be used sparingly and to import a sense of characte, especially when you're writing in first-person.
- It's hard to follow the narrative of this section. Are the Nazis outside, or inside? Where did the wagons come from? Are the Nazis disposing of corpses in a mass grave, or are they themselves corpse-like.
- Some of your imagery is incongruent with other imagery. Irate geese usually don't work in lockstep, and are more comical that fearsome. (of course, assuming there's a mass grave, corpses as "discarded leaves" is excellently chilling.)
To improve the piece, I would encourage you to either simplify its vocabulary or insert some Yiddish, Hebrew, or biblical references. Either omitting the name "Nazi" or moving it to the initial mention of the soldiers would also improve the section's flow.