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I’m wondering how to place a narrative parenthetical remark in dialog. I’m proofreading a book with a quote that doesn’t look right to me:

He whispered, “I think she will have a child in Raspberry Moon (this was around July in early summer).”

The remark wasn’t said by the character, so it shouldn’t be in the quote, right?

Thanks.

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    Yes, the remark shouldn't be in the quote.
    – user5645
    Commented Nov 13, 2016 at 9:16
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    Not only should it not be in the quote, it shouldn't be written like that at all. That's a dreadful way to convey the current setting.
    – Lauren-Clear-Monica-Ipsum
    Commented Nov 13, 2016 at 13:11
  • @LaurenIpsum The way it is written really excites me. I can well imagine a narrative style where these exact words would fit perfectly.
    – user5645
    Commented Nov 13, 2016 at 16:53
  • @what If this is a first-person narrative, with a casual tone, then yes, it would work. For a standard third-person omniscient or limited, no.
    – Lauren-Clear-Monica-Ipsum
    Commented Nov 14, 2016 at 0:57

2 Answers 2

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If the narrator is making that comment, it should be outside the quote. Here are several iterative revisions:

He whispered, “I think she will have a child in Raspberry Moon." (This was around July in early summer).

He whispered, “I think she will have a child in Raspberry Moon." He said this around July in early summer.

Around July, in early summer, he whispered, “I think she will have a child in Raspberry Moon."

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A "Raspberry Moon" needs to be explained prior to the quote--probably as dialogue, but possibly as part of a third- person omniscient information dump. It is absolutely wrong to put parentheses within the quote. In newspapers and such, parenthetical remarks from the editor are placed in brackets [ ].

Although it would be amateur to do so, one could follow the quote with: And Barney asked, "What's a Raspberry Moon?"

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