Timeline for Critique: Make excerpt more visual/flow better
Current License: CC BY-SA 3.0
8 events
when toggle format | what | by | license | comment | |
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Jun 17, 2020 at 9:43 | history | edited | CommunityBot |
Commonmark migration
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Apr 26, 2013 at 23:02 | history | edited | Lauren-Clear-Monica-Ipsum | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
deleted 4 characters in body
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Apr 26, 2013 at 8:58 | vote | accept | Jerry | ||
Apr 25, 2013 at 23:23 | comment | added | SF. | I could but this is not a subject for answering in a comment under an answer. I suggest you phrase this as a full question and post as such for all to answer. "What literary tools can I use to make my writing more immersive?" or such. Fixing continuity mistakes will be probably one of the points of my answer if you do. | |
Apr 25, 2013 at 17:13 | comment | added | Jerry | Thanks! Could you perhaps elaborate on what I could do to make it even more immersive, like, what I didn't do enough of? -- As for the continuity break, I intended to mean that when Peter "matches the voice with its owner", he was close enough to see Chill (implied things again!). What do you suggest me to do to remove this discontinuity? | |
Apr 25, 2013 at 7:32 | comment | added | SF. | @Jerry: It did work - but it wasn't enough. Currently it's much more immersive. There's a little continuity break between where Chill is just a voice behind the crowd and when Peter can see him taking the steel feather, but the piece rings in a quite satisfactory way to me. | |
Apr 24, 2013 at 19:34 | comment | added | Jerry | Thanks for the critique, I really appreciate it! I tried to add emotions, with what I hoped were some actions which lead to some emotions, but I must have failed! I brought some more content so maybe that works at least a little? I added a revised version, if you could please have a look at it. I also changed some things I think might make it more interesting. For pronouns, I think I tried to make sure the readers don't get lost for who is doing what. Let me know! For the part under the tree, they were supposed to be a bit late to hear everything and more explanation is supposed to come later. | |
Apr 24, 2013 at 12:41 | history | answered | SF. | CC BY-SA 3.0 |