- It's very descriptive, but at the same time, there are places where it's so wordy that the description is weakened, making it perform poorly as a descriptive piece of writing. When a description or sentence becomes too wordy, even with descriptive words, the description is weakened or made confusing.
- Also suffering from this wordinessReadability is made much easier with the readability and my desire to keep readingmultiple paragraphs (good job - leave it that way). It does suffer from the wordiness of everything, though.
- From what I can tell, your essay isn't cliche. I need not say more here.
- There is also little room for a change in perspective, which would explain a slight weakness there. Overall, you're very close! Don't give up!
- It's very descriptive, but at the same time, there are places where it's so wordy that the description is weakened, making it perform poorly as a descriptive piece of writing. When a description or sentence becomes too wordy, even with descriptive words, the description is weakened or made confusing.
- Also suffering from this wordiness is the readability and my desire to keep reading.
- From what I can tell, your essay isn't cliche. I need not say more here.
- There is also little room for a change in perspective, which would explain a slight weakness there. Overall, you're very close! Don't give up!
- It's very descriptive, but at the same time, there are places where it's so wordy that the description is weakened, making it perform poorly as a descriptive piece of writing. When a description or sentence becomes too wordy, even with descriptive words, the description is weakened or made confusing.
- Readability is made much easier with the multiple paragraphs (good job - leave it that way). It does suffer from the wordiness of everything, though.
- From what I can tell, your essay isn't cliche. I need not say more here.
- There is also little room for a change in perspective, which would explain a slight weakness there. Overall, you're very close! Don't give up!
It's very descriptive, but at the same time, there are places where it's so wordy that the description is weakened, making it perform poorly as a descriptive piece of writing. When a description or sentence becomes too wordy, even with descriptive words, the description is weakened or made confusing. Also suffering from this wordiness is the readability and my desire to keep reading. There is also little room for a change in perspective, which would explain a slight weakness there. Overall, you're very close! Don't give up!
- It's very descriptive, but at the same time, there are places where it's so wordy that the description is weakened, making it perform poorly as a descriptive piece of writing. When a description or sentence becomes too wordy, even with descriptive words, the description is weakened or made confusing.
- Also suffering from this wordiness is the readability and my desire to keep reading.
- From what I can tell, your essay isn't cliche. I need not say more here.
- There is also little room for a change in perspective, which would explain a slight weakness there. Overall, you're very close! Don't give up!
Currently, the essay standsLet's take a look at 2494 characters. There are errors everywhere, and I'm going to show you some corrections and ways to rewriteexamples of where things could be strengthened. I won't entirely rewrite your essay, but I will give enoughuse examples for you to work with the rest of thefrom your essay so that it's easier to describe certain concepts that I'm going to point out.
Let's examine the next sentence.
I looked around, the sun was quickly disappearing behind the towering apartment blocks that surrounded me.
The words "I looked around" convey an action, but don't add to the descriptiveness. The action is made moot by what is said after this sentence. They are dead weight on your 2500 character limit.
The sun was quickly disappearing behind the towering apartment blocks that surrounded me.
Point 3: If you can take out words and the message wouldn't suffer without them, do it.
Let's move forward.
OK, this is a run-on sentence. Changing the sentence structure will give it much more power, and it will give context to the taxi. It will also give you the ability to definitely remove the "I looked around" part from the previous sentence (about the sun setting).
Point 43: If you can reword or rearrange a sentence or set of sentences and communicate the same message (with more power, though), do it.
The sentence is wordy and is not parallel (see Point 54, below). The problem also coincides with a few other things. There are a couple missing words that actually change the meaning of terms (felt has a different meaning from felt as though or felt like).
Point 54: Be careful when describing multiple things in the sentence. Keep them parallel ("obj1 affects me, and obj2 affects me" rather than "obj1 affects me, and I am affected by obj2").
Point 65: Make sure you don't leave out words (or add words) that change the definition of a term, as described above.
It's very descriptive, but at the same time, there are places where it's so wordy that the description is weakened, making it perform poorly as a descriptive piece of writing. When a description or sentence becomes too wordy, even with descriptive words, the description is weakened or made confusing. Also suffering from this wordiness is the readability and my desire to keep reading. There is also little room for a change in perspective, which would explain a slight weakness there. Overall, you're very close! Don't give up!
Currently, the essay stands at 2494 characters. There are errors everywhere, and I'm going to show you some corrections and ways to rewrite things. I won't entirely rewrite your essay, but I will give enough examples for you to work with the rest of the essay.
Let's examine the next sentence.
I looked around, the sun was quickly disappearing behind the towering apartment blocks that surrounded me.
The words "I looked around" convey an action, but don't add to the descriptiveness. The action is made moot by what is said after this sentence. They are dead weight on your 2500 character limit.
The sun was quickly disappearing behind the towering apartment blocks that surrounded me.
Point 3: If you can take out words and the message wouldn't suffer without them, do it.
Let's move forward.
OK, this is a run-on sentence. Changing the sentence structure will give it much more power, and it will give context to the taxi. It will also give you the ability to definitely remove the "I looked around" part.
Point 4: If you can reword or rearrange a sentence or set of sentences and communicate the same message (with more power, though), do it.
The sentence is wordy and is not parallel (see Point 5, below). The problem also coincides with a few other things. There are a couple missing words that actually change the meaning of terms (felt has a different meaning from felt as though or felt like).
Point 5: Be careful when describing multiple things in the sentence. Keep them parallel ("obj1 affects me, and obj2 affects me" rather than "obj1 affects me, and I am affected by obj2").
Point 6: Make sure you don't leave out words (or add words) that change the definition of a term, as described above.
- It's very descriptive, but at the same time, there are places where it's so wordy that the description is weakened, making it perform poorly as a descriptive piece of writing. When a description or sentence becomes too wordy, even with descriptive words, the description is weakened or made confusing.
- Also suffering from this wordiness is the readability and my desire to keep reading.
- From what I can tell, your essay isn't cliche. I need not say more here.
- There is also little room for a change in perspective, which would explain a slight weakness there. Overall, you're very close! Don't give up!
Let's take a look at some examples of where things could be strengthened. I will use examples from your essay so that it's easier to describe certain concepts that I'm going to point out.
Let's move forward.
OK, this is a run-on sentence. Changing the sentence structure will give it much more power, and it will give context to the taxi. It will also give you the ability to remove the "I looked around" part from the previous sentence (about the sun setting).
Point 3: If you can reword or rearrange a sentence or set of sentences and communicate the same message (with more power, though), do it.
The sentence is wordy and is not parallel (see Point 4, below). The problem also coincides with a few other things. There are a couple missing words that actually change the meaning of terms (felt has a different meaning from felt as though or felt like).
Point 4: Be careful when describing multiple things in the sentence. Keep them parallel ("obj1 affects me, and obj2 affects me" rather than "obj1 affects me, and I am affected by obj2").
Point 5: Make sure you don't leave out words (or add words) that change the definition of a term, as described above.
Added some good brief explanations of the changes, including the concept behind the change.
The highlights are in bold around my examples and suggestions, but a full reading is a bit more desirable.
It's very descriptive, but at the same time, there are certain partsplaces where it's so wordy that either become too descriptive, or their currentthe description makesis weakened, making it confusing. As far as performingperform poorly as a descriptive piece of writing, it performs sub-par, contrary to how it might seem. When a description or sentence becomes too wordy, even with descriptive words, the description is lostweakened or made confusing. Also suffering from this wordiness is the readability and my desire to keep reading. There is also little room for a change in perspective, which would explain a slight weakness there. Overall, you're very close! Don't give up!
Currently, the essay stands at 2494 characters. There are errors everywhere, and I'm going to show you some corrections and ways to rewrite things. I won't entirely rewrite your essay, but I will give enough examples for you to . I'll leave the first sentence to you, alongwork with the rest of the essay after the few examples I point out. See if you can use them to alter other parts of your essay (by way of example).
OK, so let me point out a few things here. You've got some useless phrases There are some words in here that, while they seem descriptive, actually take away from the descriptiveness by making everything too wordy.("by that point", "as in"), so we'll remove them. There are a couple grammar/punctuation errors here, too. Here'sShorten the way I would recommend rewriting itsentence, maintaining as closely as possiblethen add a comma before "and the original structure, followed by an explanationfact..." (we're separating clauses). There is also the conflict between "together with" and "made it worse". Before (simplified): "It was a huge change, and together with fasting made things worse." See how that doesn't quite click? Remove "together with".
It was a huge change from the UK's mild weather, and the fact that I had been fasting - no food or drink - for 15 hours made my predicamentthings worse.
Here, we've shortened the sentence a bit and added a comma to denote a conjunction. I've also altered the structure of the second half to make it parallel with the first. Before, it read (simplified): It was a huge change from the UK's weather and together with the fact that I had been fasting only made it worse. The phrases "together with" and "only made it worse" conflict here. The "only made it worse" technically refers only to the fasting, but "together with" implies that the weather difference is also affecting the effect of the weather difference on your mood.Point 1: Remove unnecessary words and phrases. They will be the death of an essay (I still struggle with this, too).
Point 2: Make sure you don't use conflicting phrases to describe what's happening. Writing a simple version off to the side can help with this.
Let's move theThe words "I looked around" to somewhere more effectiveconvey an action, or remove them altogetherbut don't add to the descriptiveness. The action is made moot by what is said after this sentence. They are dead weight on your 2500 character limit.
We don't want too many subjects in a sentence. While your way was also okay, this brings more attention to the time. There might still be a better way to rewrite it, especially if you're aiming to make the narrator sound lost. We're down to 2435 characters now.Point 3: If you can take out words and the message wouldn't suffer without them, do it.
On to the next one, which serves a very good object lessonLet's move forward.
OK, this is a run-on sentence. Changing the sentence structure will give it much more power, and it will give context to the taxi. It will also communicates being lost, which kind of makesgive you the wordsability to definitely remove the "I looked around" from the previous sentence mootpart. Here's how to fix this one:
Notice how I changed the structure so that there was context to the taxi leaving him there. This way makes the reader ask (unconsciously), "How did he get to where he was?" and then see the answer: a very unscrupulous taxi driver.Point 4: If you can reword or rearrange a sentence or set of sentences and communicate the same message (with more power, though), do it.
The sentence is wordy and makes an uneasy shift in clauses. I wish I could remember the exact term, but basicallyis not parallel (see Point 5, you seem to have a habit of forgetting the subject or object of each sentence and then switch without noticingbelow). Here, theThe problem also coincides with a few other things. There are a couple missing words that actually change the meaning of the sentenceterms (felt has a different meaning from felt as though or felt like).
2425 characters now.Point 5: Be careful when describing multiple things in the sentence. Keep them parallel ("obj1 affects me, and obj2 affects me" rather than "obj1 affects me, and I am affected by obj2").
Point 6: Make sure you don't leave out words (or add words) that change the definition of a term, as described above.
I'm going to leave the rest to you, with a few more notes of advice: reduce the number of adjectives you use to describe things. If you have too many descriptive words, you may be more descriptive, but you lose the readability. It's a tough balance, but you're almost there. I think you can free up some more space and create another sentence to make a more complete transition to the positive tone at the end.
It's very descriptive, but at the same time, there are certain parts that either become too descriptive, or their current description makes it confusing. As far as performing as a descriptive piece of writing, it performs sub-par, contrary to how it might seem. When a description or sentence becomes too wordy, even with descriptive words, the description is lost or made confusing. Also suffering from this wordiness is the readability and my desire to keep reading. There is also little room for a change in perspective, which would explain a slight weakness there. Overall, you're very close! Don't give up!
Currently, the essay stands at 2494 characters. There are errors everywhere, and I'm going to show you some corrections and ways to rewrite things. I won't entirely rewrite your essay, but I will give enough examples for you to . I'll leave the first sentence to you, along with the rest of the essay after the few examples I point out. See if you can use them to alter other parts of your essay (by way of example).
OK, so let me point out a few things here. There are some words in here that, while they seem descriptive, actually take away from the descriptiveness by making everything too wordy. There are a couple grammar/punctuation errors here, too. Here's the way I would recommend rewriting it, maintaining as closely as possible the original structure, followed by an explanation:
It was a huge change from the UK's mild weather, and the fact that I had been fasting - no food or drink - for 15 hours made my predicament worse.
Here, we've shortened the sentence a bit and added a comma to denote a conjunction. I've also altered the structure of the second half to make it parallel with the first. Before, it read (simplified): It was a huge change from the UK's weather and together with the fact that I had been fasting only made it worse. The phrases "together with" and "only made it worse" conflict here. The "only made it worse" technically refers only to the fasting, but "together with" implies that the weather difference is also affecting the effect of the weather difference on your mood.
Let's move the words "I looked around" to somewhere more effective, or remove them altogether.
We don't want too many subjects in a sentence. While your way was also okay, this brings more attention to the time. There might still be a better way to rewrite it, especially if you're aiming to make the narrator sound lost. We're down to 2435 characters now.
On to the next one, which serves a very good object lesson
OK, this is a run-on sentence. It also communicates being lost, which kind of makes the words "I looked around" from the previous sentence moot. Here's how to fix this one:
Notice how I changed the structure so that there was context to the taxi leaving him there. This way makes the reader ask (unconsciously), "How did he get to where he was?" and then see the answer: a very unscrupulous taxi driver.
The sentence is wordy and makes an uneasy shift in clauses. I wish I could remember the exact term, but basically, you seem to have a habit of forgetting the subject or object of each sentence and then switch without noticing. Here, the problem also coincides with a few other things. There are a couple missing words that actually change the meaning of the sentence (felt has a different meaning from felt as though or felt like).
2425 characters now. I'm going to leave the rest to you, with a few more notes of advice: reduce the number of adjectives you use to describe things. If you have too many descriptive words, you may be more descriptive, but you lose the readability. It's a tough balance, but you're almost there. I think you can free up some more space and create another sentence to make a more complete transition to the positive tone at the end.
The highlights are in bold around my examples and suggestions, but a full reading is a bit more desirable.
It's very descriptive, but at the same time, there are places where it's so wordy that the description is weakened, making it perform poorly as a descriptive piece of writing. When a description or sentence becomes too wordy, even with descriptive words, the description is weakened or made confusing. Also suffering from this wordiness is the readability and my desire to keep reading. There is also little room for a change in perspective, which would explain a slight weakness there. Overall, you're very close! Don't give up!
Currently, the essay stands at 2494 characters. There are errors everywhere, and I'm going to show you some corrections and ways to rewrite things. I won't entirely rewrite your essay, but I will give enough examples for you to work with the rest of the essay.
OK, so let me point out a few things here. You've got some useless phrases ("by that point", "as in"), so we'll remove them. There are a couple grammar/punctuation errors here, too. Shorten the sentence, then add a comma before "and the fact..." (we're separating clauses). There is also the conflict between "together with" and "made it worse". Before (simplified): "It was a huge change, and together with fasting made things worse." See how that doesn't quite click? Remove "together with".
It was a huge change from the UK's mild weather, and the fact that I had been fasting - no food or drink - for 15 hours made things worse.
Point 1: Remove unnecessary words and phrases. They will be the death of an essay (I still struggle with this, too).
Point 2: Make sure you don't use conflicting phrases to describe what's happening. Writing a simple version off to the side can help with this.
The words "I looked around" convey an action, but don't add to the descriptiveness. The action is made moot by what is said after this sentence. They are dead weight on your 2500 character limit.
Point 3: If you can take out words and the message wouldn't suffer without them, do it.
Let's move forward.
OK, this is a run-on sentence. Changing the sentence structure will give it much more power, and it will give context to the taxi. It will also give you the ability to definitely remove the "I looked around" part.
Point 4: If you can reword or rearrange a sentence or set of sentences and communicate the same message (with more power, though), do it.
The sentence is wordy and is not parallel (see Point 5, below). The problem also coincides with a few other things. There are a couple missing words that actually change the meaning of terms (felt has a different meaning from felt as though or felt like).
Point 5: Be careful when describing multiple things in the sentence. Keep them parallel ("obj1 affects me, and obj2 affects me" rather than "obj1 affects me, and I am affected by obj2").
Point 6: Make sure you don't leave out words (or add words) that change the definition of a term, as described above.
I'm going to leave the rest to you, with a few more notes of advice: If you have too many descriptive words, you may be more descriptive, but you lose the readability. It's a tough balance, but you're almost there. I think you can free up some more space and create another sentence to make a more complete transition to the positive tone at the end.