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Let’s look at the other example. I will pull back somewhat by changing some words: pulchritudinous to precocious, corundum crown to bejeweled crown; and then shortening it by removing redundancies

Let’s look at the other example. The lofty prose and esoteric vocabulary are appropriate because it is describing the characters as lofty divine and celestial beings. The readers put off by that wouldn't be the targeted audience. However, I recognize that the targeted audience would be so small that I will pull back somewhat by changing some words: pulchritudinous to precocious, corundum crown to bejeweled crown; and then shortening it by removing redundancies

In her school she flew amidst a pitying of turtledoves, precocious girls who to some were genial, greeting them with amities and loves, au fait but demure, amiable and heavenly, luminous pearls frolicsome and cordial dancing around them momentarily like noir fay in couture but then flittering away unexpectedly like a swans’ bevy joined by belts of silver taking flight together.

Such were Kate and her corundum crown of aureate camarilla, Artemis and her starry Pleiades in radiant illustration scintillating desirably but unattainable in an unreachable empyrean and dancing as a constellation of sylphs in a moonlit glade.

In her school she flew amidst a pitying of turtledoves, precocious girls who to some were genial, greeting them with amities and loves, au fait but demure, luminous pearls frolicsome and cordial dancing around them like noir fay in couture but then flittering away like a swans’ bevy joined by belts of silver taking flight together.

Such were Kate and her corundum crown of aureate camarilla, Artemis and her starry Pleiades in radiant illustration scintillating desirably but unattainable in an unreachable empyrean and dancing as a constellation of sylphs in a moonlit glade.

Let’s look at the other example. I will pull back somewhat by changing some words: pulchritudinous to precocious, corundum crown to bejeweled crown;

In her school, she flew amidst a pitying of turtledoves, precocious girls who to some were genial, greeting them with amities and loves, columbine personas of paradise, au fait but demure, amiable and heavenly, luminous pearls frolicsome and cordial, dancing around them momentarily like uncatchable butterflies, noir fay in couture, flittering away unexpectedly like a swans’ bevy joined by belts of silver taking flight together.

Such were Kate and her corundum crown of aureate camarilla, Artemis and her starry Pleiades in radiant illustration scintillating desirably but unattainable in an unreachable empyrean and dancing as a constellation of sylphs in a moonlit glade.

Let’s look at the other example. I will pull back somewhat by changing some words: pulchritudinous to precocious, corundum crown to bejeweled crown; and then shortening it by removing redundancies

In her school she flew amidst a pitying of turtledoves, precocious girls who to some were genial, greeting them with amities and loves, au fait but demure, amiable and heavenly, luminous pearls frolicsome and cordial dancing around them momentarily like noir fay in couture but then flittering away unexpectedly like a swans’ bevy joined by belts of silver taking flight together.

Such were Kate and her corundum crown of aureate camarilla, Artemis and her starry Pleiades in radiant illustration scintillating desirably but unattainable in an unreachable empyrean and dancing as a constellation of sylphs in a moonlit glade.