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Surtsey
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I'm sorry but I don't think your example works. You're in first-person but you're not in the moment. You're switching between an internal and external view of the scene which makes it disjointed

What do you really think about whilst running for a bus or a train? What are you 'aware' of? Where is your focus?

From the moment you start running your panicked thoughts are more likely the need to catch the train and the dire consequences of missing it.

On successfully catching the train you briefly feel joy. Once you've caught your breath you express your feelings of anger at the schedule.

Interleaving is a natural part of storytelling. I use the programming instruction (do,while).

Whilst running for the train I thought A On

On catching the train and locating my seat I thought B Whilst

Whilst sitting in my seat catching my breath I reflected C

I'm sorry but I don't think your example works. You're in first-person but you're not in the moment. You're switching between an internal and external view of the scene which makes it disjointed

What do you really think about whilst running for a bus or a train? What are you 'aware' of? Where is your focus?

From the moment you start running your panicked thoughts are more likely the need to catch the train and the dire consequences of missing it.

On successfully catching the train you briefly feel joy. Once you've caught your breath you express your feelings of anger at the schedule.

Interleaving is a natural part of storytelling. I use the programming instruction (do,while).

Whilst running for the train I thought A On catching the train and locating my seat I thought B Whilst sitting in my seat catching my breath I reflected C

I'm sorry but I don't think your example works. You're in first-person but you're not in the moment. You're switching between an internal and external view of the scene which makes it disjointed

What do you really think about whilst running for a bus or a train? What are you 'aware' of? Where is your focus?

From the moment you start running your panicked thoughts are more likely the need to catch the train and the dire consequences of missing it.

On successfully catching the train you briefly feel joy. Once you've caught your breath you express your feelings of anger at the schedule.

Interleaving is a natural part of storytelling. I use the programming instruction (do,while).

Whilst running for the train I thought A

On catching the train and locating my seat I thought B

Whilst sitting in my seat catching my breath I reflected C

Source Link
Surtsey
  • 5.3k
  • 1
  • 11
  • 26

I'm sorry but I don't think your example works. You're in first-person but you're not in the moment. You're switching between an internal and external view of the scene which makes it disjointed

What do you really think about whilst running for a bus or a train? What are you 'aware' of? Where is your focus?

From the moment you start running your panicked thoughts are more likely the need to catch the train and the dire consequences of missing it.

On successfully catching the train you briefly feel joy. Once you've caught your breath you express your feelings of anger at the schedule.

Interleaving is a natural part of storytelling. I use the programming instruction (do,while).

Whilst running for the train I thought A On catching the train and locating my seat I thought B Whilst sitting in my seat catching my breath I reflected C